Pilgrimage, the Reality Series

Fads are cyclical (look at bellbottoms). What if pilgrimage were to come back in vogue? It’s not so hard to imagine, given the current price of gas. But if modern Man were to reinvent the medieval walking tour, what would it be like?

First of all, I wonder who would be going. The Canterbury Tales featured its cast of medieval Everymen (and Women). Who would represent the 21st century on a pilgrimage? The concept of a months-long sabbatical would probably be easiest for college professors, and it would sure free up time to finish that lecture on Dante. The outdoor life would appeal to those escaping the flourescent world of an office cubicle. But we don't want to overrepresent the preternaturally pale and bookish types. In the spirit of diversity (and modern people are all about diversity, right?) -- how about a dairy farmer, a vascular surgeon, a housewife, a lawyer and a real-estate agent? There would (undoubtedly) be a photo journalist along to document the trip, and a travel agent could find the best hotels. At least one politician would show up for the good press (I'm having disturbing visions of Newt Gingrich in a tunic and hose). And anyone who’s watched a reality show knows that there’s always one disgruntled misfit to stir up drama -- the pampered out-of-work actress will do.

In Chaucerian fashion, the producers of The Pilgrimage would assemble this cast at a tavern in London (is the Tabard still standing, I wonder?). At a medieval-style feast of hogheads and blood sausage, which the cast would be challenged to eat in the hopes of winning a plasma-screen TV, the rules of NBC’s The Pilgrimage would be spelled out. The true medieval pilgrim traveled toward some holy site in the hope of salvation from their sins, so the modern version is all-too-predictable. First one to make it to the plaster-of-Paris bones of Ed Sullivan will be allowed to tear up the envelope containing a description of their darkest deed -- not any ordinary sin, but something worthy of Jerry Springer, mind you. The losers have their sin read on live TV, with simulcasted reactions from their spouses, lovers, and parents.
Each week, Pampered Actress would cry in close-up segments about the difficulties of finding good sushi or the loss of her favorite loofah, whilst she seduces Cubicle Guy into pulling her across the Alps in a rickshaw.

Mother-of-Six from Akron will give birth to her seventh as she crosses the Rhine, thus taking her out of competition but assuring her the talk-show circuit that week. College Professor would be unanimously voted off the show in week three for his constant ruminations on how medieval pilgrimages were nothing like this. The Politician, who unwittingly insults the mayor of Constantinople in a tragic drunken interpreter accident, winds up recruiting Personal Injury Lawyer’s help to get out of a Turkish prison. I can already hear the silky-voiced allusions to the Fourth Crusade: "Constantinople hasn't seen this wild a time since the thirteenth century, folks. . ." The drama really heats up in week five, when a group of mock Vikings (hey, since when has Hollywood been historically accurate?) attack our pilgrims at a checkpoint in Norway. One of the more zealous Norsemen takes his part a bit too seriously, and Real-Estate Agent gets a spearhead embedded in his carotid artery. Yet Vascular Surgeon steps in to save the day, performing televised surgery with nothing but a sharpened stick and some shoelaces.

Farmer and Photo-Journalist are neck and neck by the final episode, but Photo-Journalist gets held up documenting the atrocity of finding a parking spot in Jerusalem. Farmer arrives at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre first, only to find that Pampered Actress has also been seducing the show’s producer, and had insider information on the location of Ed Sullivan’s bones. There is a mad dash for the crypt, in which Pampered Actress breaks a nail and collapses in a blubbering heap. Farmer wins the vacation to New Zealand, $25,000, and a year’s supply of Dr. Scholl’s inserts.

If you think that's exciting, stay tuned for highlights of next season. . .